I kept checking the classroom door yesterday like an idiot.
Every sound from the corridor made my head turn. Every laugh outside felt like it could be yours. We were supposed to meet for our group project after the class.
The group project was just an excuse, honestly. I would have sat through three extra hours of boring discussions if it meant hearing you complain about your notes or watching you tap your pen against the desk while thinking.
But you never came. "There was no emergency but I was simply not feeling like coming to class..", is all you had to say while somehow, for me the whole day felt wrong after that.
Yeah.. how ironic! It's messed up.
You weren't there during attendance. You weren't there in the canteen line. You weren't there leaning against the back wall after class with that half-distracted smile.
It's ridiculous how someone's absence can become louder than their presence.
I came home irritated at everything. The traffic, the heat, the noise...everything but mostly my own inner chaos.
Even my mother asked why I looked upset and I almost laughed because how could I explain that my entire mood depended on someone who doesn't even know the effect he has on me!?
But today...today felt merciful.
You came early! I saw you before you saw me, sitting on the last bench with your glasses slipping down your nose while copying yesterday's notes in a hurry. My chest loosened so fast it almost hurt.
"There you are," you said casually when you noticed me.
There. you. are. As if I had been the missing one. But again you don't understand this... do you?
The way you are busy taking notes and I am busy taking your glimpses, we are both making up for yesterday. I guess this is the only connection we feel for the lost day!
And by the time classes ended, it was already cloudy outside. The kind of sky that makes everything softer. Grey. Windy. Beautiful.
It's 2 PM and we're on the way to your house for the project session. You're driving the bike. I'm sitting behind you, holding both our bags because you insisted they were too heavy for me even though you're carrying the entire weight of my sanity without knowing it.
You keep talking the whole ride... about your neighbour's dog and about your cousin who was failing his driving test again. About finally finding your favourite biscuit at the uncle's shop near the bus stand.
You speak about tiny things like they matter. And because they matter to you, they start mattering to me too.
"Oh! and then he gave me the wrong packet again! haha"
You're saying something else now. I know you are...but your voice is blending with the wind and I'm lost again. No! not because its windy.. its because my ears and brains have long stopped distinguishing between music and your voice... So I am lost and don't you blame me for going blank! I wonder if you know this.. this and how your voice has become a place for me. Somewhere I rest inside quietly.
The first drop of rain lands on my hand. Then another. Then suddenly the sky breaks open.
I hear you curse under your breath because your glasses are covered in water immediately.
"I can't see anything, Vid you have to take over now!!" and you laugh. And somehow we switch places under the rain.
Now I'm driving.
And you're behind me.
God.
Your warmth against my back feels dangerous.
The rain is cold enough to sting my skin but every breath from your lips against the back of my neck burns instead. You keep talking near my ear so I can hear you over the rain and every word sends shivers rushing down my spine. I grip the handles tighter.
Do you know what you're doing to me? Probably not.
You're still so unaware. Still holding onto that stupid bag instead of my waist.
And I hate it!
I hate how badly I want your hands on me. How badly I want you to stop being careful for one second and just hold me the way people do when they belong there.
The road is slippery. The rain is getting heavier. Your knees brush against mine every few seconds.
Just hold my waist.
Please.
I would remember it for years.